I wasn't crazy after all.

Its all about trial and error right? Yes...yes it is. Luke has been fussing for 3 weeks...maybe longer because I've lost track of time. All I know is that at some point he became the fussy baby. A baby that I was scared to take out and when I did I was so embarassed because he was the child that fussed the ENTIRE TIME. Who wants to be around a fussy baby??? At first I thought it was just him being difficult or frustrated but then I noticed a pattern. He would fuss after feedings then spit up or he would smack the bottle out of his mouth after just a couple of minutes and would cry. Talked to the dr and he just said he was a "spitter". Ok???? So it continued and got progressively worse. Thanksgiving was awful. He fussed and cried the ENTIRE time to the point I was considering paying whatever the cost to fly back instead of drive 12 hours. In the past he adjusted so well to new places so it didn't make sense. My instinct said there was something else going on.. The "spitter" turned to full on vomit after every bottle or meal. Someone mentioned that maybe he was spoiled and I shouldn't pick him up so much. Tried that but he fussed whether we held him, played with him, rocked him, let him play on his own, took him outside....he fussed. Just ask our nanny. I was getting to the point where I understood how mom's felt that had babies with Colic. My gosh...how awful. The only time he wasn't crying was in the baby jogger or he was sleeping which became inconsistent. When I went to bed I never knew what type of night we were going to have. Meanwhile the poor guy got two teeth. Long story short; I stuck with my mother's intuition and refused to accept there was nothing wrong. How could such a happy baby turn into a baby that would cry all day long???? When he started the vomitting through his nose, that was it for me. I wasn't going to accept no and my plan was answers and refusing to accept that I just had a fussy baby. Yep.. I was right. There was something wrong and we've narrowed it down to a bacteria or a milk intolerance. I switched him to Soy (which they are leaning more towards) and there already seems to be a difference. He never fussed this afternoon and even chased the dog around the house in his walker. Old times. My crying baby finally had a smile. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but a glimpse of his beautiful smile again has made me think we have an answer. My gosh that took forever or what seemed like forever! Another lesson learned.

I feel bad but....

I never thought I'd be so busy or things would be so hectic. There really isn't a moment to sit down anymore or even to really gather my thoughts and I only have one child. Its CRAZY that I'm considering another one (not now of course). The thing I feel the worst about is that I feel like I can't balance it all. I get so overwhelmed. How awful that I had to send my husband a message on Friday telling him he needed to come home soon. After a week of being without my usual help....I had reached my limit and felt horrible about it. I think the baby was sick of me also :-) Trying to be a stay at home mom with a full time job and an unruly dog had sent me into crazytown...briefly. I was trying to explain to him that I don't have a minute alone or to do something by myself. If I'm at home, I'm playing with Luke...if he's sleeping then I'm working. If I'm running then I've got him and the dog. There's always laundry to do, a house to clean (no cooking for me) or errands to run. By Friday I'm at the end of my rope and need some away time. But again I feel awful for even thinking it. I've wanted a family for as long as I can remember and I love them dearly so why do I need time away from them? Well I guess its because I'm a mom and all moms need "me time" eventually. I try not to feel guilty and sometimes I really don't think my husband understands but he tries. The result of me time..I actually volunteer to take the dog and the baby to the dog park while he gets some alone time. Me..volunteering to take the pony to the dog park???? Yes, that means mommy is happy again and ready to roll. Even the baby screaming on the way home didn't phase me. Its amazing what a husband that listens and 3 hours on my own will do. I envy those moms that can do it on their own. I really do. I sometimes wonder why I can't seem to pull it together and not need time away but oh well..I do. It makes me a better mom.

Teething...yuck

Well we survived teething and it about drove me nuts. For awhile I thought maybe he was but he had been drooling for so long that I thought it was just a mood change. Then I felt the bump...and here came the crying, waking up and not eating. Yikes! It was only about a week or alittle more but my gosh that was a LOOONNNGGGG week. He went from sleeping 10 to 11 hours to waking up a couple of times a night. I could almost deal with waking up but the fussiness just about drove me crazy. Man...I feel so blessed to have a happy baby. I couldn't imagine having a baby with Colic or just a fussy baby in general. It makes you crazy because you just can't make him or her happy. My goal everyday was to wear him out with playdates, errands or walks. I would do anything not to hear him fuss. I even counted the minutes until our nanny walked through the door. I felt awful for feeling that way but my gosh I needed a break. I almost felt like the mom with a fussy baby. I tell ya...it was a long week. Now he's back to my happy baby but of course now he is going through the stranger anxiety phase. Even the clown on his little Baby Einstein video scares him now. My friends scare him. What the crap! So I'm wondering how Thanksgiving will go with all of the new people around. I'm hoping as quickly as it came this phase will go away. I'm amazed by how much he changes in a week. Grumpy to happy. Social butterfly to scared little baby. Maybe if I tell everyone to just ignore him then he will be fine. Yeah right, how do you tell 20 people to ignore a 6 month old baby. Good luck right?

I never learn...

So in my last blog I wrote about how much I've learned since Luke came along. Well...how about something that I never learn my lesson on. The pony. Ahhhhh the pony (aka our 100lb dog named Henry). It seems that I give him the benefit of the doubt ALL THE TIME AND I NEVER LEARN. For instance; he is going through a terrible barking problem lately. I think he's just constantly yelling at us like a teenager would. You let him outside..he turns around and just barks none stop. You bring him in and get on the phone...he barks. He sees a cat outside...he barks. And yet...I continue to let him go outside whenever he wants which is usually when the baby is napping. I continue to keep the blinds open so when he sees that mean cat outside he barks...again, usually when the baby is napping. My new "never learn" is taking him running with the baby. It never goes well...never. He usually gets in the way of the jogger and I run over his foot (atleast 1o times during a typical 5 mile run). He sees someone and darts in that direction taking us with him. He sees a squirrel and STOPS right in front of us which means I plow into him. But every morning...he still goes. Why? Because I never learn and each morning I think that it will be different. Today he'll behave and not get clipped. Nope. I end up frustrated and yelling at him like a crazy lady. Then I look around and wonder who saw me and thinks I'm a mean dog owner. I love my pony...I really do but could he just once maybe not wanna go for a run? Maybe continue to lay on the floor and say "nah...not today". Probably not so I guess I will continue to take him out of guilt and continue to never learn. As I'm writing this he lays on the couch snoring because he's exhausted from making me exhausted. Love you Henry...well today anyway.

5 months!

Well its been 5 1/2 months since Luke came into our lives and what a crazy and blessed 5 months its been. I think we are finally getting the hang of this parenting thing. So we think anyway. I've learned so much in such a short time. My life used to be planned out to the second and now its useless to plan anything. No plan is a good plan. I've learned to take an hour a day for my "me" time. If I don't there absolutely will be some type of meltdown by the end of the week. I've also learned that my career is just not as important as it used to be...Luke is now my #1 priority. To see him smile brings me more joy than a kudos from the boss.
I've also learned:

1) Work says that family is first but they don't really mean it...well most people don't anyway.
2) Marriage + baby is HARD but the key is to find time for each other. If not, its so easy to get disconnected
3) Finding a trustworthy nanny/sitter to keep your precious baby is not easy as I thought it would be but once you do its like that person becomes part of your family. We would be lost without ours.
4) The dog is lucky to get water. I've learned this is an adjustment for him also so I have to have patience even during his crazy behavior....which is our fault because he was never trained properly.
5) One thing that I've learned but haven't quite grasped yet...to stop getting irritated if the trash doesn't get taken out, if the house a mess or there's an overwhelming amount of laundry to be done. It will all get done eventually.

My life is a work in progress. I'm not perfect and will make mistakes frequently but each day I'm getting better and better. Maybe by the time I'm 90 and I'm sitting on the porch watching my grandkids run around, I'll have it all figured out.

Still new baby/new mommy syndrome

I've been putting off taking the baby to the gym for many reasons...#1 was because he was so young but he has reached the 3 month mark and I can't shield him from germs forever. I took him on a plane for crying out loud. I don't know why I've dreaded taking him to the kid's club at our gym. Yes I do...its because I was scared no one would watch him or take care of him. Everytime I said I would do it I would make up an excuse to justify not taking him. Its too hot outside, oh was that a sneeze..nope we can't go, he was fussy or sleepy, etc. So this week I'm without a nanny because she's on vacation and I've GOT to get my workouts in. I dreaded it and dreaded it but today I just did it. I told myself..30 minutes isn't going to kill either one of us (hopefully) so I'm just going to do it and I'll take him during a time that isn't busy. I compromised with myself because thats what we do right? I had butterflies in my stomach the whole way there. Took him in and of course I annouced to the girl how nervous I was and that this was his first time. She looked at me like "and...what do you think is going to happen?". That was my cue to put him down and walk away. I took a blanket for him to lay on in a bouncy because I'm quite positive those things have never been washed...I AM compromising. I quickly jetted off for a 30 minute run on the treadmill. I looked around the entire time thinking that they would for sure come and get me because they couldn't calm him down or something happened or even someone stole him. Monica was in full force (if you've read my other blogs you are familiar with Monica). Well 30 minutes was up and I walked VERY quickly back to the kid's club and there he was safe and sound. He was smiling at the girl that was talking to him. She said he never even whimpered. Of course he didn't. He looked at me like " awwww mom you're back already...I was just throwing my game to this girl". He was happy. The slober all over his shirt proved it. He was also exhausted from all of the stimulation so we changed his shirt, gave him a snack and put him to bed where he still sleeps. Again...I need therapy.

Crying it out...

Ugh the guilt I feel today is overwhelming. What an emotional day and its only after the first night of letting him cry. Usually I went in after 5 minutes to soothe him and it only took two times for him to go back to sleep and usually he slept for 6-7 hours a stretch but lately he's been waking up after 3 or 4 hours. He isn't hungry....no dirty diaper...and he's safe...the only conclusion is that he wants someone to come in and get him. I wasn't sure but last night he woke up at 12:30 which was WAAAAYYYYY before his usual 3-4am wake and he stopped crying as soon as he saw me. I soothed him and left the room. 5 minutes later he had spit out his paci and was back at it...this time I waited 20 minute. When back in, checked him, rocked him (which immediately stopped the tears) and put him back to bed. 10 minutes later...back again. This time I waited an hour and he eventually fell asleep. The only thing that really bothered me was that he didn't have his hands to suck on but he put himself back to sleep. He was back at it around 3:15 though. Checked him...he was fine. It didn't take him as long the second time which made me feel better but I was certain he was never going to figure me for it...and that was if he made it through the night. Yup...I thought for sure he would die without me. He slept until 6am so we survived the first night. I'm already dreading tonight but it can't get worse right?
I know that some moms think I'm doing this way to early and we were really going to wait until he was 4 months but last night we had to pull the trigger or his bad habits were going to continue and I've got to be honest...after 11 weeks of inconsistent sleep for both of us it was beginning to be too much. You may not agree but I'm doing whats best for both of us.

Our first trip

Well we did it...we survived our first plane ride together..me and baby! It actually wasn't that bad. I pictured a screaming child and very upset passengers but that was not the case at all. He did great. He was asleep on the first flight out and was awake on the second flight but all he did was stare a the girl next to us and smile at her when she looked at him, total flirt. When we got off the first flight it was chaos! Had to feed myself, feed the baby, change him and back to the gate in about an hour. There's nothing like a mommy on a mission. This time he threw me for a loop and proceeded to poop ALL OVER his new outfit. It was every where so then there was a rush BACK to the bathroom to change him. Of course he was laughing and talking the entire time like he knew exactly what he did. I was also shocked at how alert he was. When someone (especially blonde girls) would talk to him he would pop up off my shoulder and talk back. It was the cutest thing. On the way back from VA he did the same thing. Slept on the first flight and on the second he was wide awake. This time he couldn't decide which position he wanted to be in. On my lap facing out, in my arms with head hanging in the aisle so he could see, on my lap facing in, on my shoulder...the battle was on for an hour and I was exhausted but I should complain because he never fussed. As soon as we stepped off the flight he SCREAMED for almost 2 hours. Obviously he was completely over stimulated and exhausted from the day. Mommy felt the same way.

So traveling wasn't too bad. It was actually fun watching him discover new noises, people and smells. Our next trip is a 10 hour car ride. That my friends may be an entirely different story.

Marriage

Again...remember life before baby? Your marriage was pretty easy...no big responsibilities, could do anything at the drop of a hat, chores weren't really "chores"...you get the picture. It wasn't really work to keep a marriage strong Life a couple of months after baby....all of the sudden you begin to argue about the dumbest stuff. All of the sudden the other person isn't doing enough, isn't sleeping enough, isn't "stepping up"...according to your needs right? I've talked to so many friends that have said the roughest part of their marriage was after the birth of their first child. Once again, I found myself completely unprepared for what would happen to us. Everything I mentioned above started to happen and things begin to unravel. Marriage seemed like such hard work. It was work I didn't have the energy to do. We use to leave cute notes for each other and now that was the last thing I was thinking about when my head hit the pillow. I also forgot that my husband worked a full time job while I was on maternity leave so even though I was exhausted from the day I handed off the baby and retreated to have some "me" time, I forgot he might need some to unwind also. When I went back to work things were getting worse and even the date night didn't seem like old times. One day we just sat down and talked and wondered what happened? Well...a baby happened. We talked for hours and hours but managed to figure out where we were both lacking. I never was sure what people meant when they said you had to put your marriage first then a child but its true. Its a constant work in progress as long as you are both willing to put in the work. After our talk I came out on the other end with a new appreciation for Jason and our family. Daily tasks don't seem so awful and now we enjoy and appreciate our time together after the baby goes down. It might only be 30 minutes a night but hey...I'll take it. I feel bad for the couple of months that were rough but it happens. All marriages go through phases. I'm quite positive we will go through more.

Sleeping

Well..since I had my little boy I have discovered that I will buy anything to get him to nap or sleep at night. I will fall for any new item I can get my hands on. It works for a couple of days, he figures it out and we are off and running to purchase the next item. My husband just rolls his eyes and says whatever. The kicker...Luke isn't a bad sleeper. I'm just on the hunt to get that extra hour. So here are the things I have tried/bought. Its pretty funny....

-Regular 40x37 swaddle thermal blankets- those got to hot and he busted through pretty quickly
-Muslin 47x47 Swaddle Blankets- ha to those...they lasted 2 hours...even doubled up.
-Velcro Swaddles- Yeah right. I made the mistake and bought fleece which was pretty dumb since we live in FL. AND...he figured out how to get an arm through the velcro part. Once he even wiggled down inside....after he ended up in a sweaty mess so the Velcro swaddle days were over.
-Regular thin velcro swaddle- not match for my child. Out in a couple of hours.
-Sleep Sheep- This actually does work and was a good purchase
-Sleep positioner- definitely works.
-Enfamil makes "Restful Night" formula. I'm not sure if it works since he wakes up and gets out of his swaddle. The jury is still out since he doesn't feed when/if he wakes up early.
- I have even combined one muslin blanket with one thin velcro swaddle...it works but its too hot for him. I use if I'm super desperate and its not too hot in his room.
-Miracle Blanket...we will let you know. Purchased today.
-Woombie- havent purchased yet but the purchase button is ready to go pending tonight's outcome of the Miracle Blanket

So there you have it. I'm a new mom and pretty much will fall for anything. You name it and I will probably buy it...but please don't encourage me.

Back to work

AHHHHH! How do you cope? I'm only on day 3 and I'm already feeling overwhelmed with everyday life as a new working mom. First let me say I'm fortunate enough to have a great boss. He has allowed me the opportunity to decrease my travel and work from home (as long as I'm making progress obviously). After I got this fabulous news I set up my nanny to come in part time...Tuesday and Thursday mornings and every other Monday morning and I can work in the afternoons/evenings when Jason gets home. On days that she isn't here I will just work around his naps....thats what I thought! I'm already wondering if I'm going to have to increase her hours. I tried this morning to juggle calls, emails, feedings and nap time on the Nanny's day off. WOW. Thats not going to work. Tomorrow I will have to wake up EARLY to start my work day. Now I ask, do I put him in day care part time (every morning)? But when I do travel where will he go since Jason works crazy hours? How are we going to work this? Staying home isn't an option right now. How will I ever find time to clean, cook and exercise (ok cook is a stretch since I didn't do that before)? I'm sure as the weeks progress I will find a schedule that works for everyone but my gosh. At this point I can barely walk through the living room to kitchen without falling over a bouncy, toy, dog and dropping a pacifer along the way. How do working moms do this? Is it easier to have an 8-5 or am I dreaming of some easy life that probably will never exist anymore? Don't get me wrong, I cherish my son and I'm so happy that he is with us but I guess I didn't prepare for how my work life would change. I don't think I prepared at all!

Date Night

Remember life before baby? It wasn't too long ago for us...just year. Even before we even thought about children, life was insanely different. I was traveling more than ever and was definitely the party girl. If there was a social event...I was there/we were there. There became a phrase (good or bad...probably bad) in Charlotte, "its not a party til Brandie falls down". Jason also used to say that I would probably be the one to get all of the mommies drunk at a playgroup. Maaaaaaaaannnnn life has changed. We recently had our first date night since the baby was born...well probably since a little before the baby. Before we left the house I thought that it would be a stretch for us to make it back by midnight. Jason and I could go anywhere and talk for hours. Just like old times right? We get to the restaurant and I make mistake #1...I order "Harry's Hurricane". Jason sticks with beer. Smart man. As date night progresses the conversation is good, we are having fun and we order appetizers, dinner, another beer and another Harry's Hurricane. It went downhill from there. I think my system went into shock from the rum and passion fruit. I mean I've had some wine since the baby came but nothing like this hurricane thing. Ugh. The nausea set in and a heavy dinner made for heavy eyes. It was sad. We looked at each other and I had to confess that Harry's Hurricane was a massive mistake and he admitted a large dinner was his. BUT we were determined to pull through, I mean it was only 8:15 at this point. We decided to walk around downtown Gainesville and see if we could find a "happening place". Ummmmm its 8:15, is there a happeneing place at 8:15? Probably for the old which we have become. Ok...maybe not old but just clearly out of practice. Mistake #2 is I wore new shoes. So our walk quickly became "lets find the closest bar to sit down". We entered a bar where it was clearly a dance of the old people. That my friends is where the night came to an end precisely at 9:30pm. We tried right? At least we can laugh at ourselves. We are just out of practice. I'm determined to make us the fun couple again. We'll be back...I'll be back!

"Monica"

I guess when you have a baby there are common fears that you think about such as making sure the baby sleeps on his back, he's not to hot or cold, the blanket doesn't cover his face...etc. However if you are me, you develop an alter ego that my husband now calls "Monica". Monica is crazy and has irrational fears and questions. These same fears and questions have led to many sleepless night for my him. So I thought I would list some these crazy questions/fears so someone could have a laugh or maybe another mommy would feel comfort.

- The sleep sheep. Its the cuddly sheep that sits in his crib and plays white noise. Apparently its a death trap for me. "What if he moves and the sheeps falls over and covers his face and he can't cry out for help".

- Bathtime- my husband just holds his hand to keep him still...."what if he slips and falls in the water (our mini baby bath spa) and takes it in...won't that later suffocate him in his sleep?". I know I know.

-This one is actually legit because its happened..."what if he slips inside his swaddle at night and I can't hear him and he suffocates"

-"Do you think Henry will jump into the crib and try to lay with him"...if you met our crazy dog you would know this could happen.

-My all time favorite and the one that tops them all...."what if someone breaks in, gives the dog a sedative, waits for him to sleep...creeps upstairs, steals the baby and creeps back out" I think I actually got a very concerned "I think you have lost your mind" look from Jason on that one. I'll admit, it was a stretch but hey...its "Monica".

- I think I was dreaming one night that I had the baby in the bed (which I never do for this reason) because I woke up frantically searching for the baby in the covers and asking Jason "Where's the baby...the baby, where is he?" He had to yell "stop" for me to come to my senses and realize I was out of it. I woke up the entire house for that one including the dog.

I could go on and on but I don't want to seem completely off my rocker...again...its not me, its Monica.

Having Help

Towards the end of my pregnancy many people asked me if I was going to have any help when then baby came? Was my family coming or was Jason's family coming and I always replied .."nah, we'll be fine". They all thought I was crazy. I didn't think it was a big deal to live so far away from our family or close friends. I'd been living far away for so long it didn't necessary. BOY WAS I WRONG! When Jason's mom heard I was having a c-section she immediately got in her car and drove 10 hours to come help for a week. At first I didn't think it was necessary but I was proved to be soooo very wrong. I'm not sure how we would've gotten through the first week without her. After she left I cried....and cried and cried. How would we manage without her? I was scared to death. Then my parents showed up about a week later and my mom stayed for a week. When she left I cried and cried...again, how would I manage this new life. Jason went back to work also and I was left raising this little boy. I spent many days on the phone with family and friends trying to figure it all out. Over the next 5 weeks I've managed pretty well but most importantly I have a new appreciation for family and...I can't believe I'm going to say this....would like to move closer to either side in the very near future. I've never been one to be so attached to family but having Luke has completely changed my view. I want him to be raised near his grandparents, great aunts and uncles as well as cousins. I also figured out that I need to make time for myself to get refreshed and feel like me. Its important for me to be on top of my game with him as much as possible. Its funny though, recently I was counting the days until my mom arrived again so I could hand him off and get some sleep, do some shopping, get my hair done, etc..but she arrived and I have found that I still can't peel myself away from his little face. I spent 3 hours at a salon yesterday sending messages to my husband to see how Luke was doing. I tried to stop but I couldn't. This morning they went for a walk and as I type this I am sitting by the door counting the minutes til he is back. Well, at least I'm letting someone else help right? Babysteps....

I'm like a sponge...

Ever since I got pregnant I read the books, soaked in everything and talked to many friends with babies on how to set a schedule and get them to sleep but I think I overwhelmed myself with information because when Luke got here I was paralyzed with what to do. I would try something once and then not be consistent. I couldn't figure out when to let him cry it out...what age, how long...etc. I knew a month was too soon for me personally and 4 months I thought was too long but I just couldn't decide. So after a week of this child not napping I was at the end of my rope and knew I had to do something other than accept that he was just not a good sleeper. He's a baby and needs his rest. It was time for me to be the parent and stop letting him run the show. A friend of mine told me about www.momsoncall.com. Its a mix between babywise and happiest baby on the block which was perfect for me. I need him on a schedule because of my career as well as Jason's crazy work hours and also he needs it to thrive. I noticed he had been so fussy during the day. It showed me how to get him on a feeding and sleeping schedule as well as how to swaddle him correctly. I'm telling you...we are not even 24 hours in and our lives have already changed for the better. Its like he needed this structure. He slept for 6 1/2 hours last night. Now he did wake up at his usual feeding time at 11:30 but after 2 intervals of crying (and me crying because his was crying) he was out like a light until 3am...just like they said he would be. I didn't sleep a wink because I thought he was dying a slow death in his crib without me. My poor husband didn't sleep either...mostly because I kept waking him up and asking him questions about how Luke was doing. Poor guy must be exhausted at work today. This morning Luke has picked up right where he left off. I can't believe it. Whats even better is that I feel like a great mom. Like I finally did something great for him and was successful. I'm sure we will have our bad days but what a great feeling....I was cut out for this after all.

I have to stop trying to plan my days

Saturday I woke up and had this great plan for the day. Run (yes I know I shouldn't be running b/c of my back but I never learn), pool with baby and dad, nap and bbq with friends. Well it went south quickly as I stood on the scale and looked at the number. I'd only lost 1 lb this week. ugh. But I put a smile on, put on my running gear and headed out with the dog. Halfway through the run my back kicked in to full hurt gear. We couldn't turn back because we were halfway either way we went so again, I smiled and kept moving. We got back and all was still well. I put the baby down for a nap and of course after 30 minutes he was up and ready to roll. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to put on his swim gear and try the pool. Well Luke was in a mood. All he wanted was his pacifer and cuddling with mom but I continued with my plan ignoring all the warning signals that it might not go well. We got in the pool and it was cooler than normal and stunk of pool chemicals. He was not a fan and all I could think of was "are the chemicals too strong for his skin....are they burning him?" So we got out and tried sitting in the shade but I wanted to be in the pool. Ugh. He wasn't happy and niether was I. Why would they pool guy come on Friday night and put chemicals in knowing we use the pool on the weekend?!?!? AND he knows we have a baby. So I was plotting his demise as I dried the baby off and put him in his swing, INSIDE. Playtime was over...it lasted 30 minutes max. I let this ruin my day. At this point I had convinced myself that we would never be able to enjoy the pool again. I handed off the baby to husband and put myself down for a nap because clearly was I cranky for letting this ruin my day. After 2 hours of isolation I came back down ready to try again and secretly thinking I was dumb for such a temper tantrum. It was time to get ready for a friend's bbq. Here we go....getting ready meant I had to find something that actually fit. Will I cry or be happy? Lets just say the bbq started at 6pm and we weren't sure we were going to make it at 5:45. Nothing fit so I settled with a stretchy skirt and top. Anything elastic these days is what I go with . I REFUSE to buy clothes in the size that actually fits me these days in hopes that I will eventually get back to my original size. One can dream right?
The bbq was great and I learned that these moms are going through the same thing which made me feel better. I'm not sure why I let these things get to me so quickly but I do. Weight has ALWAYS been my issue and probably always will be. Yes there are more important issues I have to deal with right now but shouldn't a mommy feel good about herself? Right now I'm struggling with my new look. Pregnancy left me with loose skin, loss of muscle tone and a jiggling belly but gave me a healthy baby boy. Producing a healthy baby should win out right? In all honesty it doesn't. I want my old body back.

I'm not crazy...I just have a 6 week old

I was toying whether or not to write some of this but I promised to stay honest and they are in fact feelings that I'm sure other mothers have experienced. Sorry if it offends some mothers....

So yesterday I wrote that sweet blog to Luke. Would you guess that two hours later I'm crying because I'm so tired and frustrated that he just won't sleep. No nap either. He was up from 6:30am to 5:00 pm. I tried everything, swaddle, white noise, swing, bouncy, cuddling...etc. He wasn't fussy..he just wouldn't nap but if I put him down he would cry. He would yawn and close his little eyes just teasing me then jolt awake and be alert again. He's a baby and needs his rest so I would continue the fight. I was exhausted by the time Jason got home and was in tears because I just couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. Why won't he nap for me? I confessed (still in tears) that I hated being a mom, I hated the dog, I was miserable and wanted my old life back. Of course non of this was true but thats how I felt then. I should also mention that I had about 6-8 hours of sleep in 2 1/2 days. He sat down next to me and reached his hand out and asked "Do you want to hold my hand?" I just looked at him and cried some more. Sometimes thats all you need. He knew I didn't mean any of it and wasn't concerned, I was just having a bad couple of days. He sent me to bed and of course as soon as he held Luke he was out like a light. Not just for an hour but the child sleep from 5-11pm getting up once to eat. I couldn't believe it but I slept also from 5-11. He got up twice last night which was great. I can't believe Luke slept so well through the night and we didn't even do his night schedule (bath and bottle). He was obviously exhausted from 2 days of barely sleeping. Jason and I brainstormed and came up with, maybe I'm over stimulating him during the day and missing his "I'm tired" cues. Today I've changed things slightly and he's already been down for 2 hours this morning. I'm amazed yet hopeful I've figured things out...for now anyway. Yes my emotions are up and down right now. I'm not crazy....I just have a 6 week old.

Happy 6 weeks Luke!

I thought I would dedicate this blog to Luke. He's 6 weeks old today and I can't believe it.

If you'd ask me 5 years ago if I ever thought I'd be a mommy, I'd laugh at you. Just ask my friends and family. The day I found out I was pregnant with you was the happiest day I could have imagined but it was the day you were born that I was overwhelmed with emotion. At 39 weeks I started to wonder if you were going to make your appearance, what you looked like, if you were healthy, did I keep you safe and sound for 9 months? It was when I heard your cry that I knew you were ok. You were so dramatic in your entrance to this world. You had all of the nurses laughing at you as you threw your hand up to your face like...."uhhhh...what a day I've had". I laughed and cried all in one. I was so sad to see you taken away but knew your daddy would be with you to keep you safe.
Well...we've made it 6 weeks. I don't know about you but I'm exhausted and as you are sleeping away in your swing now...you seem exhausted also. I've learned that I have to double swaddle you at night because you are so strong and you eat like a maniac. Even though the nights are rough, I secretly enjoy them. Its then I get to rock you as you lean your small little head on my shoulder with a full belly and rest. I take in every smell and moment because I know that you will grow up so fast. We've put a lot of miles on that rocking chair.
I miss you when I'm gone and even when you are playing with your dad in the next room. Lately you seem to understand everything that's going on around you and give us feedback by talking or a small cry with that bottom lip stuck out.
We have 6 weeks down and a lifetime to go. I'm excited about each day ahead of us and also fearful of what the world has in store for you. So...with all this said, I'll continue to do the best I can to love and protect you through anything. You changed my life for the better and I can't imagine what I would have done without you.

Love,
Mommy

New Mommy Weight

Ugh...the dreaded topic of weight. I gained 40lbs (actually 37 when I checked into the hospital but I shouldn't lie to myself that some days it was 40) when I was pregnant. I always thought I would eat so healthy when I got pregnant. No way...I had so much junk. Junk I never ate before. Now I pay for all of those Little Debbie snacks that I swore the baby was begging for. I was also certain that my son would be 10lbs. Ha...6 lbs and 19 1/2 inches. So where did the 40lbs come from? Well, from Little Debbie. She is officially the Devil (doesn't she make a cake with "Devil" in it?). I started walking at week 3 and now I'm starting back running at week 5. Little Debbie has cursed me with a belly that jiggles as I run. I've lost almost 30lbs so far but this last 11 doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I know that I should cut myself a break but as I'm running I swear that everyone in the park is staring and wondering if thats jello under my shirt. My husband is wonderful and says I look great, awww love him, but what can he say. Yes dear, you do have some weigh to lose. He's much smarter than that.

Where do I start...

Should I write about my decision to stop nursing or should I write about how much I hate the extra 11lbs I'm carrying right now. Hmmmm. Maybe I will cut myself half of a break today and talk about the nursing part. Well here it goes. I decided to nurse when I got pregnant and thought it would be great for many reasons. Bonding, no bottles (at least in the beginning), saves money and the bonus...lose weight. How could we have guessed what would happened...not us. We joke that the birthing class told us to write a birth plan. HA! We didn't really have one except it would be the two of us with lots of drugs and no c-section since he had already turned. Even THAT birth plan didn't work out. I went into labor mid afternoon on May 25th. I was still in labor on May 26th at 10am when they discovered that he had turned and was butt first and by the way some how I missed my water breaking. Yep...I missed it. Who misses that?!?! Here we go with the c-section. It was awful. As I lay there on the table supposedly feeling nothing, I felt the cold burst of air in the room that went up in my incision and into my chest. Dear Lord I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. It was worse than any contraction I felt. Anyway, I had Luke on a Wednesday and by Friday I was feeling...shall we say...weird. I even told my doctor as she released me on Friday morning that I didn't feel right but we all chalked it up to hormones. I mean I was crying as we left the hospital. By Saturday night I had an "angry" uterine infection as well as in infection about my incision and was almost hospitalized. All this time I just wasn't producing milk and I couldn't figure out what was going on. I called everyone I knew. The only decision I had was to supplement with formula and of course I cried and cried. I felt like a horrible mother that couldn't supply the simplest thing for her son. Of course he didn't care, he just wanted to be fed. After 5 weeks of battling with a low supply and trying to pump every two hours only to produce 2 oz the entire day I called it quits....still crying of course. Again, I felt like a failure at my first task as a mother. I texted my sister-in-law and my good friend Leigh for comfort, as always they were there. What I didn't know and a nurse later told me. I wasn't producing because my body was trying so hard to fight such serious infections. Making milk was the last thing it was willing to do. OK...HELLO...it would've been nice if someone would've mention that 5 weeks ago. I beat myself up for 5 weeks and shed so many tears. Don't get me wrong, I probably would've cried over something else but my gosh, VALUABLE INFORMATION. So I stopped on Wednesday because it was just to hard to manage nursing (pumping) and formula. I was comfortable in my decision until last night I laid awake for 2 hours questioning what I had decided. 2 hours I could have been sleeping. How could I not supply him with such protection from the world. Was I bad mom because I gave up? Should I have stuck it out? I almost got up to start pumping again. Guilt again. Ahhh! How do you win as a mother. I guess you don't. You just make decisions and hope they are for the best and move on. I'm moving on.....I think.

Sleep...would love some

I often wondered what women meant when they said they were exhausted after having a newborn. I wondered how they felt or what it felt. I also longed for that feeling. Well...here it is front and center. I'm exhausted everyday. I also suffer from New Mommy Syndrome. Its the syndrome where no one can do it like I can so I might as well just do it myself. This syndrome also runs you ragged and makes your husband frustrated beause all he wants to do is help. Its not so much that I don't think anyone else can do it, its I don't trust they can do it correctly. Today I had my first lesson in backing off. Today I gave my first nanny a test run and it was so hard. I came in from running and heard Luke screaming. I had given her instructions before I left if Luke goy fussy and she chose not to use them. I wanted badly to comfort him as he screamed so loudly (and this child never screams unless he has gas) but I didn't but I also wanted to fire her on the spot! I had to remember that I hired her for a reason, for help because I was exahusted and will need help when I go back to work. I was sick to my stomach as I stood there and listened. I spent an hour texting my husband from my bedroom about what to do while I was supposed to be getting ready for a "me" day. My friend Leigh suffered along with him. Luke was eventually soothed and went to sleep. I never thought the hardest thing would be trusting someone...trusting them with your first born. He survived. I survived also. We both crashed for 3 hours after her shift was over. My sister-in-law told me motherhood was filled with guilt that you put on yourself. I slowly am realizing how right she was and he's only a month old.

3 Weeks of being a mommy

On May 26th I became a new mom. I cried when I heard his little voice and knew that he was safe and sound. I can't complain, he's a good baby. He only cries when he is hungry or gassy so we consider ourselves very very lucky and blessed to have such a healthy baby.

There were many times during my pregnancy that people would tell me to rest up, my life is going to change. To say goodbye to sleep and that it will be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I always looked at them, smiled sweetly for the warning but quietly thought.."its a newborn, how hard can it be". Well, God is laughing at me now. I've been pooped on, peed on, thrown up on and screamed at. I used to consider this a night out on the town but now, this is my new life as a mom. I clearly underestimated how hard this would in fact be. I'm very thankful for a handful of friends and family that have gotten me through hard moments. There were many mornings I would cry from exhaustion but I push through because at night when I'm rocking him to sleep and he looks at me with those HUGE blue eyes, it becomes very clear why I changed my life. I'm grateful for my son and love him more everyday. I used to feel bad for the tears but now I just chalk it up to hormones and lack of sleep. One day I cried because my husband went to Walgreens for me. I thought I was the luckiest wife on earth...he thought I was losing my mind. So now I laugh... whatelse can you do right?

I'm a new mom and have no idea what I am doing but I'm doing my best and hoping to raise a contributing member to society :-). My husband hopes he contributes as a very succesful baskeball player.