Where do I start...

Should I write about my decision to stop nursing or should I write about how much I hate the extra 11lbs I'm carrying right now. Hmmmm. Maybe I will cut myself half of a break today and talk about the nursing part. Well here it goes. I decided to nurse when I got pregnant and thought it would be great for many reasons. Bonding, no bottles (at least in the beginning), saves money and the bonus...lose weight. How could we have guessed what would happened...not us. We joke that the birthing class told us to write a birth plan. HA! We didn't really have one except it would be the two of us with lots of drugs and no c-section since he had already turned. Even THAT birth plan didn't work out. I went into labor mid afternoon on May 25th. I was still in labor on May 26th at 10am when they discovered that he had turned and was butt first and by the way some how I missed my water breaking. Yep...I missed it. Who misses that?!?! Here we go with the c-section. It was awful. As I lay there on the table supposedly feeling nothing, I felt the cold burst of air in the room that went up in my incision and into my chest. Dear Lord I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. It was worse than any contraction I felt. Anyway, I had Luke on a Wednesday and by Friday I was feeling...shall we say...weird. I even told my doctor as she released me on Friday morning that I didn't feel right but we all chalked it up to hormones. I mean I was crying as we left the hospital. By Saturday night I had an "angry" uterine infection as well as in infection about my incision and was almost hospitalized. All this time I just wasn't producing milk and I couldn't figure out what was going on. I called everyone I knew. The only decision I had was to supplement with formula and of course I cried and cried. I felt like a horrible mother that couldn't supply the simplest thing for her son. Of course he didn't care, he just wanted to be fed. After 5 weeks of battling with a low supply and trying to pump every two hours only to produce 2 oz the entire day I called it quits....still crying of course. Again, I felt like a failure at my first task as a mother. I texted my sister-in-law and my good friend Leigh for comfort, as always they were there. What I didn't know and a nurse later told me. I wasn't producing because my body was trying so hard to fight such serious infections. Making milk was the last thing it was willing to do. OK...HELLO...it would've been nice if someone would've mention that 5 weeks ago. I beat myself up for 5 weeks and shed so many tears. Don't get me wrong, I probably would've cried over something else but my gosh, VALUABLE INFORMATION. So I stopped on Wednesday because it was just to hard to manage nursing (pumping) and formula. I was comfortable in my decision until last night I laid awake for 2 hours questioning what I had decided. 2 hours I could have been sleeping. How could I not supply him with such protection from the world. Was I bad mom because I gave up? Should I have stuck it out? I almost got up to start pumping again. Guilt again. Ahhh! How do you win as a mother. I guess you don't. You just make decisions and hope they are for the best and move on. I'm moving on.....I think.