It's been a long road.....

There were many nights that I thought...I need to blog.  But with so much going on...there is never enough time.  I have come upon another sleepless night so why not. 
There are many things in life that you choose to keep private but eventually life's struggles will come out in some manner.  This one we have kind of kept to ourselves just because it was so overwhelming to us.  How do you talk about a problem with no answers?  Well...things are finally working out and we are so incredibly happy. 
I would say by now its safe to say that many people know we have a very lively two year (almost three) old.  I can't believe it's been three years...what an incredibly long road it has been.  A road that has taught us so much.  Some of even my closest friends may find it hard to believe that Lucas has JUST started communicating. He has grown so much in the past two months that we are finally getting two words...sometimes three.  A simple question of  "where is it?" still makes me smile.
The past year has been filled with full on tantrums, noncommuncation, blood curling screams over the simplest thing, and only a very few laughing moments.  Thinking it was poor behavior, we tried switching preschools but as the days went on, I could see him slowly slipping away from our world.  He was still making eye contact but had no social skills, refused to eat anything other than waffles or mac and cheese.  He would scream if any child came into his space, and would scream in fits of anger if you ever tried to correct him or pull him away from something. The tantrums would last sometimes for hours. Jason and I felt defeated and exhausted.  Life as a two year old some might ask?  No...it was way more than that.  He just wasn't communicating and my days would typcially end in tears or frustation for both of us.  Jason and I felt the strain in so many ways.  I felt horrible that I was just not enjoying my son anymore.  How awful to even say or write but there were days I was scared to be alone with him because you just never knew what you were going to get.  Taking him in public was out of the question for a long time.  I was quickly isolating us because of many reasons, number one being I was so embarassed that I could not control my own son. It was more than discipline...
The family beach trip was so very far from a vacation.  I felt so bad for the family members that were sharing a house with us.
The kicker with him....he was and is incredibly smart.  He knows things a two year really shouldn't know.  He can arrange the alphabet in the correct order.  Tell you the sounds of each letter if you ask, count to 20 and can memorize a book after two reads but I couldn't get him to tell me what he wanted to drink.  I couldn't get him to talk to me. How can he do all of these things but can't even tell me what he needs. I was confused and feeling hopeless...mostly tired of crying.  After a long and helpful talk with a good friend and his pediatrician, I knew it was time to get him tested for Autism.  I was sad but mostly just wanted answers.  So off we went...the therapist recommended speech and occupational therapy twice a week as well as immediately pulling him out of preschool.  The school was probably doing more damage than good.  He was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder... I researched it and followed her recommendation.  I secretly think the preschool was happy to see us go because most of the time he would just scream in fits of anger if they tried to engage him or switch the schedule.  Now I know he was so overstimulated that it was torture for him. Istill feel awful about it.  We moved him into a home care setting with only two other children and a mother that wanted nothing more than to help him.  She has changed our lives.  The speech therapist ended up being a joke and we never went back.  His new care giver was ready to take him on and show us what he was capable of.  He is talking and repeating everything we say.  He smiles and is so playful that sometimes we are still in shock.  She said that he is playing with the kids and is teaching them everything he knows.  His latest argument wasn't over a toy but that a diamond is called a rhombus...not a diamond! Smart is not even the word for this kid.  I can honestly say, I do not remember the last time he threw a fit.  Actually he did last week but I was fine with it because it was over the fact that he didn't want to leave her for the evening. She has even figured out how to get him to eat without hassle.  He eats ALL DAY LONG.  I never knew that offering him more than one food would send him over the edge...she researched his behavior and figured it all out. Each morning we head her way, instead of crying, he giggles the whole time asking for Annie (her name).  She even took him to the circus...a place we would have NEVER gone.  She paid extra for him to be able to sit front row so that he would not feel the pressure of all of the people surrounding him.  Intead of freaking out, he spent the entire time smiling and naming the animals. The amount of love this woman has for my son is just unbelievable.  She has given us our son back.  I feel blessed, happy, and am finally enjoying every moment of our lives.  For the first time he climbed in my lap last week and gave me a kiss and a hug.  It brought me to tears. While some mothers might think...gosh that's simple....no...not for us.  This was a first and a milestone that I will never forget.  Now...I have to figure out how I will ever repay this woman for what she has done. Instead of being scared of screams, I now feel full of love and warmth when I hear him call "Mommy.....hi".

Life as I know..well..actually life as I knew it....

I'm still adjusting. Yes..even after 14 months I'm still adjusting to a different way of life. Remember the blog I wrote awhile back about how much my career meant to me. Well apparently I was trying to convince myself that the company I worked for actually cared about me. The person that worked so hard for them for ten years. It wasn't until the night I laid awake wondering how I was going to juggle the next travel trip while my husband also traveled that I finally realized...WHAT AM I DOING? I'm a mother now and I can't keep shuffling this child around to fit my company's needs. They have to understand right and help me somehow. Uhhh negative. What a reality check when I went to my boss to discuss what I was going through; the guy that always preached.."family first"...said ok well when is your last day? WOW right? He made a promise to support me in finding another position but never did. So after a month of emotions and feeling defeated, I woke up. What am I doing? I love my little boy so much so why not make a better career choice that benefits all of us...including the dog. I mean did I really think 30 years from now I'd be working with the same people. Good Lord NO! At 34 I've decided to go back to school and get my Master's in Education with a certification to teach grades K-8. Yep..me...the person that NEVER took school seriously is actually going to teach small children and I've never been more excited about a decision. Will it be hard? Absolutely. But guess what, I'm so at peace with my decision that its already worth it. I'm settled, completely tuned in at home and as my best friend said recently "your so tan and just...relaxed". Yep. No more planes, rental cars, hotel rooms and late night blackberry checks. I'm done with corporate life and once again, I only have my son to thank. Cheers to you!

Its almost been a year....

Its been a long time since I blogged and its been almost a year (May 26th) since Luke was born. I can't believe it. A full year...so much has happened.
It was a year of a complete roller coaster. I already feel smarter for baby #2. And no...that isn't happening anytime soon. I'd rather sit back and enjoy Luke for right now.
Things were hard. A baby brings a lot to the table. Things I couldn't even imagine. I thought that by getting married later and being so independent, it would brace me for what was to come. Ummmm no. I was shot backwards into my mid 20's the day he entered my life. You know the place...where you are unsure of who you are, where you came from, who you were going to be. Yep...all the things I had taught myself went right down the drain. I didn't even know if I wanted a career anymore. I think I finally came up for air right around 6 months and said to myself "you can do this...he's a baby...get it together". And I did. We are approaching a year and Luke is already walking, saying "dadadadadad" and "dog" of course. He is crazy smart (of course he has already figured out how to push the buttons on the TV when is video isn't on which is my cue to turn it on) and is VERY energetic. Finding things to keep him entertained has been challenging but keeps me sharp as a mom. I just discovered puzzles. For now it buys me 10 minutes.
I've also learned a lot about myself. I want a career AND be a mom. I still need to learn more patience and I've learned that I absolutely without a doubt need to make more time for my husband. I've learned so much more but I could type for hours. The most important thing is actually what I learned today. My stress is his stress and I can't be a super mom in order to make him happy because at the end of the day if mommy is stressed then so is Luke. Time to take another breath and sit back to take it all in.
Luke has taught me so much about unconditional love. Family and good friends are the only things that matter to me now. He has taught me to let go of any old issues and just love those people that are most important to me because I just want to share every single moment with them. His joy of meeting these people sends a pulse of happiness right through me. I love this child more than I could have ever imagined. Its a love I never thought I could experience. I miss him the instant I am gone and can't wait to see his face when he discovers I'm back.
I thank God for blessing me with this beautiful little boy. I will forever be grateful.
Happy almost one year my sweet angel.

I wasn't crazy after all.

Its all about trial and error right? Yes...yes it is. Luke has been fussing for 3 weeks...maybe longer because I've lost track of time. All I know is that at some point he became the fussy baby. A baby that I was scared to take out and when I did I was so embarassed because he was the child that fussed the ENTIRE TIME. Who wants to be around a fussy baby??? At first I thought it was just him being difficult or frustrated but then I noticed a pattern. He would fuss after feedings then spit up or he would smack the bottle out of his mouth after just a couple of minutes and would cry. Talked to the dr and he just said he was a "spitter". Ok???? So it continued and got progressively worse. Thanksgiving was awful. He fussed and cried the ENTIRE time to the point I was considering paying whatever the cost to fly back instead of drive 12 hours. In the past he adjusted so well to new places so it didn't make sense. My instinct said there was something else going on.. The "spitter" turned to full on vomit after every bottle or meal. Someone mentioned that maybe he was spoiled and I shouldn't pick him up so much. Tried that but he fussed whether we held him, played with him, rocked him, let him play on his own, took him outside....he fussed. Just ask our nanny. I was getting to the point where I understood how mom's felt that had babies with Colic. My gosh...how awful. The only time he wasn't crying was in the baby jogger or he was sleeping which became inconsistent. When I went to bed I never knew what type of night we were going to have. Meanwhile the poor guy got two teeth. Long story short; I stuck with my mother's intuition and refused to accept there was nothing wrong. How could such a happy baby turn into a baby that would cry all day long???? When he started the vomitting through his nose, that was it for me. I wasn't going to accept no and my plan was answers and refusing to accept that I just had a fussy baby. Yep.. I was right. There was something wrong and we've narrowed it down to a bacteria or a milk intolerance. I switched him to Soy (which they are leaning more towards) and there already seems to be a difference. He never fussed this afternoon and even chased the dog around the house in his walker. Old times. My crying baby finally had a smile. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but a glimpse of his beautiful smile again has made me think we have an answer. My gosh that took forever or what seemed like forever! Another lesson learned.

I feel bad but....

I never thought I'd be so busy or things would be so hectic. There really isn't a moment to sit down anymore or even to really gather my thoughts and I only have one child. Its CRAZY that I'm considering another one (not now of course). The thing I feel the worst about is that I feel like I can't balance it all. I get so overwhelmed. How awful that I had to send my husband a message on Friday telling him he needed to come home soon. After a week of being without my usual help....I had reached my limit and felt horrible about it. I think the baby was sick of me also :-) Trying to be a stay at home mom with a full time job and an unruly dog had sent me into crazytown...briefly. I was trying to explain to him that I don't have a minute alone or to do something by myself. If I'm at home, I'm playing with Luke...if he's sleeping then I'm working. If I'm running then I've got him and the dog. There's always laundry to do, a house to clean (no cooking for me) or errands to run. By Friday I'm at the end of my rope and need some away time. But again I feel awful for even thinking it. I've wanted a family for as long as I can remember and I love them dearly so why do I need time away from them? Well I guess its because I'm a mom and all moms need "me time" eventually. I try not to feel guilty and sometimes I really don't think my husband understands but he tries. The result of me time..I actually volunteer to take the dog and the baby to the dog park while he gets some alone time. Me..volunteering to take the pony to the dog park???? Yes, that means mommy is happy again and ready to roll. Even the baby screaming on the way home didn't phase me. Its amazing what a husband that listens and 3 hours on my own will do. I envy those moms that can do it on their own. I really do. I sometimes wonder why I can't seem to pull it together and not need time away but oh well..I do. It makes me a better mom.

Teething...yuck

Well we survived teething and it about drove me nuts. For awhile I thought maybe he was but he had been drooling for so long that I thought it was just a mood change. Then I felt the bump...and here came the crying, waking up and not eating. Yikes! It was only about a week or alittle more but my gosh that was a LOOONNNGGGG week. He went from sleeping 10 to 11 hours to waking up a couple of times a night. I could almost deal with waking up but the fussiness just about drove me crazy. Man...I feel so blessed to have a happy baby. I couldn't imagine having a baby with Colic or just a fussy baby in general. It makes you crazy because you just can't make him or her happy. My goal everyday was to wear him out with playdates, errands or walks. I would do anything not to hear him fuss. I even counted the minutes until our nanny walked through the door. I felt awful for feeling that way but my gosh I needed a break. I almost felt like the mom with a fussy baby. I tell ya...it was a long week. Now he's back to my happy baby but of course now he is going through the stranger anxiety phase. Even the clown on his little Baby Einstein video scares him now. My friends scare him. What the crap! So I'm wondering how Thanksgiving will go with all of the new people around. I'm hoping as quickly as it came this phase will go away. I'm amazed by how much he changes in a week. Grumpy to happy. Social butterfly to scared little baby. Maybe if I tell everyone to just ignore him then he will be fine. Yeah right, how do you tell 20 people to ignore a 6 month old baby. Good luck right?

I never learn...

So in my last blog I wrote about how much I've learned since Luke came along. Well...how about something that I never learn my lesson on. The pony. Ahhhhh the pony (aka our 100lb dog named Henry). It seems that I give him the benefit of the doubt ALL THE TIME AND I NEVER LEARN. For instance; he is going through a terrible barking problem lately. I think he's just constantly yelling at us like a teenager would. You let him outside..he turns around and just barks none stop. You bring him in and get on the phone...he barks. He sees a cat outside...he barks. And yet...I continue to let him go outside whenever he wants which is usually when the baby is napping. I continue to keep the blinds open so when he sees that mean cat outside he barks...again, usually when the baby is napping. My new "never learn" is taking him running with the baby. It never goes well...never. He usually gets in the way of the jogger and I run over his foot (atleast 1o times during a typical 5 mile run). He sees someone and darts in that direction taking us with him. He sees a squirrel and STOPS right in front of us which means I plow into him. But every morning...he still goes. Why? Because I never learn and each morning I think that it will be different. Today he'll behave and not get clipped. Nope. I end up frustrated and yelling at him like a crazy lady. Then I look around and wonder who saw me and thinks I'm a mean dog owner. I love my pony...I really do but could he just once maybe not wanna go for a run? Maybe continue to lay on the floor and say "nah...not today". Probably not so I guess I will continue to take him out of guilt and continue to never learn. As I'm writing this he lays on the couch snoring because he's exhausted from making me exhausted. Love you Henry...well today anyway.